After 21 years of trying to find a space of racial sanctuary away from the mental constraint brought on by 92” and 93”, I discovered Mi-Soul.com; a new start up radio station which had just recently moved into the Stephen Lawrence Centre. I couldn’t believe it! A radio station that was based in the Stephen Lawrence Centre. And it had no women on the DJ line-up. Considering my overall pursuit of my love for black music via carving out a career of working in black music radio and clubs ; with the added consideration, in that very moment I was looking for a new radio home to take my thoughts away from other more negative spaces, to then find myself staring at the gates of this building that represents the ‘positive’ aspect tied to the genesis of said negative thoughts; it felt as if the Centre was calling me to take a space reserved only for me and that no matter what or who was there, I would be safe. Essentially, I immediately assumed I was meant to be there. And that being the only female survivor seeking this refuge whilst being the first female DJ through the gates of this building was another, sure sign that this the universe speaking.
This was the first image used to represent my weekly radio show at Mi-Soul.com. This photo was taken in the home of and by my beautifully, eccentric friend Geraldo, a well known photographer and make op artist in the world of Fashion. Actually, we met at London Fashion Week and quickly got along. He loved my hair. I did post other photos to social media for my show (as seen below), but I always reverted back to the original photograph, it was sentimental to me.
Though daunting to me at first, I managed to navigate a way of getting along with all of my peers and considering the unfolding’s of activity of my time at Mi-Soul, most of those I worked with, were non confrontational and nice. Building something positive together in the Stephen Lawrence Centre initially felt warm and fulfilling.
Over time I had every intention of bringing out my art and incorporating it with my music career and although the below examples of that were conceived later down the line of my time at Mi-Soul. I knew from my arrival at the Stephen Lawrence Centre that if there was to be anywhere to feel free to show all angles of my life’s worth of artistic creative development, this was going to be the Centre to do it in.
It didn’t take long for Gordon Mac to notice that I have a few strings to my bow; after which, it didn’t take much longer for him to start displaying an angle of himself that was challenging for me. Micro aggressions ensued from both him, and eventually his wife Debra Mac. I found myself having to mentally navigate around the both of them which was hard since Gordon handed the studio to me every Friday. Soon after, I noticed that Gordon would leave much negative connotations on the table to rope in select other of the Mi-Soul personnel, where his micro aggressions toward me were concerned.
Before the year was out, Marcia Carr became the second female DJ brought into daytime radio at Mi-Soul.com Even though, she hadn’t ever met me before, and I’d never heard of her prior; It didn’t take long for her stance toward me to show as micro aggressive. 1)The very Micro aggression from Marcia was to ‘introduce and welcome me on board Mi-Soul’ me to the station. This was confidently announced by her, in her on-air show; even though I was already well established in having a regular weekly show at Mi-Soul long before she came on board. she arrived. 2)The second micro aggression from Marcia was to almost immediately start pressing management to carry out the act of my removal from my show in order for her to take it over. This was something she started campaigning for almost immediately after her arrival. I didn’t know this until years later. 3)The third micro aggression Marcia did; my father passed away and I needed some time off for the funeral and to digest other family matters (I4 weeks). When I came back, my promotional photograph had been removed from the stations website and Marcia’s was sat in it’s place. At the time, I had no idea that Marcia was campaigning against me in such a fiercely negative way. I assumed that this act was a continued extension of Gordon Mac and the daytime staff’s micro aggressions, who were passively trying to pit the only two black female DJ’s against each other; which was also true. I asked Lloyd about the switch but he gave a nonchalant response. I was quietly disgusted at Gordon Mac for showing a clear lack of empathy in knowing the seriousness behind why I had taken time off, and still allowing this low move. 4)The fourth thing that Marcia requires some explaining; At the time of me first to Mi-Soul, I had a business to business, cake company with active corporate clients in Soho, Mayfair, High Holborn and Shoreditch. I even brought in a 12 cake box, as a tried gesture of friendliness for Gordon Mac and others in the office. Marcia suddenly started posting nutritional cakes on her social media. Eventually I met Marcia due to her coming in within the ‘daytime’ of one Friday (the day and afternoon of my show time) citing that it was the only time and day she had available to pre-record her show. I greeted her with warmth and we engaged in conversation. At some point she noted that I had a cake business (which without telling anyone at Mi-Soul, I was winding down at the time due to my fathers passing and personal matters that needed processing). Marcia then announced to me that she too had a ‘cake business’ that she operated from home. She told me she was selling nutritional cakes. “So it’s not the same Tutu, your cakes are different from mine.” I agreed and further engaged with her. I wanted her to get a feel for me and understand that I’m not the enemy so she can stop the negative antics. To me, we were two black women at the Stephen Lawrence Centre; it was more important to make the most of it and support each other. But Marcia continued with the Micro aggressions. 5)The fifth thing Marcia did was to insult my daughter whom she had never met. As we continued chatting, we discovered that we were both mothers with daughters of similar ages, and went through the act of showing one and other photographs of our children. Marcia showed me her daughter and I promptly complimented her beauty. In showing my daughter, Marcia saw a photograph of a black Barbie on my phone and said “is that her?!” with a smirk on her face. Marcia quietly refused to process/fathom my actual age in comparison to the age that my face and size outwardly presented. With what she perceived to be my beauty she couldn’t process the reality, that I didn’t rely on these superficial spaces of existence to get by and am in fact, an educated woman of substance. So she insulted my offspring, in suggesting that a mini black Barbie is all a woman of my calibre could possibly produce. She did all in front of Gordon, who said nothing and didn’t bat an eye. I counted to 10 and through a smile, I replied “no that’s not her…” and proceeded to show Marcia a photograph of my daughter. Please note that because of my personal reasons for being at the Stephen Lawrence Centre, it was of utmost importance to me that I get along with any and all of the other black women who came through the doors. Part of my trauma was the lack of unity in wanting to come forward back in 93” Thus, it was important to me that Marcia and being tow black women did not clash in the face of Gordon Mac. Who I was beginning to suspect was another closet racist. Considering her time of arrival was “the only time she had free to pre-record”, Marcia and I stayed talking well into the evening and into the night until I felt she was more relaxed in my company, at which point I told her: “As a black woman, I know where you’re coming from Marcia but you’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m glad that we’ve had this evening to chat because now you can understand, I’m a creative, Marcia. A true creative has NO interest in taking someone else’s worked on creation and claiming it for their own. Why would we? That just removes the very craving and needs of the creative in the first place. I’m not in competition with you, I’m just doing my own thing so you don’t have to worry about me, I have zero interest in that mind set”. She told me other people had tricked her in the past etc. I’ll be honest in saying, her behaviour thus far, made it hard for me to fully believe her, on account of how she came in the room, guns blazing toward me (someone she’d never even met before). She had this attitude of “she’s black, I must attack.”, whilst I was coming from “she’s black so cut her some slack.” So, I let her have her say as much as she let me have mine. I then asked if she was hungry? Offered to buy us a takeaway at approximately 1am, and we took the bus to our respective homes, parting ways till the next time. This is when she first discovered the area that I lived in… Gordon continued the micro aggressions of finding nooks and crannies to induce rivalry between Marcia and I, as the only black female DJ’s, and even though Marcia’s conduct indicated that she enjoyed taking the bait, I didn’t. These moments were quiet triggers for me, and so I didn’t partake at all. Instead, I did my bit in celebrating Marcia, whenever it was expected to be a moment of rivalry. I went to her ‘self promoted’ club night and didn’t ask for guest list. Whilst there, I took (strategic) photographs and even did a blog celebrating how great a time I had (even though there were barely any people in attendance) I tried to shine a light on her efforts. Eventually Marcia stopped her cake business in realising that I wasn’t operating mine anymore, and Gordon stopped trying to pit us a rivals. I think it got too taxing for him without reward. The negative efforts weren’t proving to have any negative effect on my inward esteem.
Before long, then there were three. Another female DJ joined Mi- Soul. I remember when Gordon told me, I was excited, I didn’t know D’Nyce prior and asked him what music she plays. His response was stoic in saying “she plays the same music you play” I knew from that moment he was going to try and go a second round in pitting two black women against each other. Having experienced Marcia arrival and all that came with, I knew better and took the time to request D’Nyce on social media. I also took the time to listen to her show which was a whole dope vibe on a sunny day! I messaged her to tell her so. This act was supposed to uplift her. and to let her know that it’s okay to be that good, before Gordon started his antics of divide and rule. Gordon had been calling me a diva for over a year and had successfully manipulated select others to hold the same views of me. D’Nyce and I eventually met in person, at Mi-Soul’s DAB launch event; we hit it off instantly, laughing and giggling the whole time. I remember making her laugh a lot.
At the DAB launch party, I spoke with Patricia Holder who is another black woman that frequented the Stephen Lawrence Centre via Mi-Soul. She was on hand as an additional ‘keen’ photographer for the station. Patricia and I got on well. She had a chat with me about her being concerned that she was being pushed aside by a lady called Jayne Billi. Jayne was an avid listener of the station (a big fan) who I saw from an early stage as someone who desired to be on the inside as opposed to a fan from the outside. I watched her activity of progression, in her pursuit. First befriending the male DJ’s, then Gordon and Debra. She would take seductive photographs of herself, edit them and post as profile pictures on social media. her changing her profile picture was a frequent activity. One day she turned up with a camera and just started taking photographs as though she was an official professional photographer for the station. So when Patricia approached me with her concerns I was already aware of the dynamic. That year was the first year that Mi-Soul was due to have their debut week long, club event in Ibiza. Even though I had serviced the station longer, Gordon had put Marcia on the line up and opted to leave me in London (as yet another strike of pitting the black women against each other, but I didn’t mind. I just wanted to be at the Stephen Lawrence Centre so It was okay with me, and I said nothing but praise to Marcia). But Patricia had realised that Jayne going to Ibiza and her, not; meant that she would be left in a slightly vulnerable position in her deeper pursuit of becoming the Mi-Soul photographer. I told her to fight this and go on her own ticket, but she didn’t have the money at the time to fund the weeks stay, whilst in contrast; Jayne could fund her stay for self, being that; she already had an established, lucrative business out of town. This is just some of the problems the marginalised face and one of the reasons that the Stephen Lawrence Centre exists as a charity; better accessibility for black people who desperately want to realise their creative dreams and goals. I was upset for her and ‘us as a people’ but couldn’t help beyond listen to her anguish for fear of being removed from the Centre before obtaining closure. Before long, I didn’t see Patricia at the Stephen Lawrence Centre or at our events taking pictures anymore. Instead, I would see Jayne, at our events, taking photographs, mostly of the male DJ’s whilst referencing herself as Gordon and Debra Macs ‘bestie friend’. Her presence and what it symbolised made me uncomfortable in knowing that a black woman lost her creative footing in the process, and that it was so easily done under Gordon’s watch
Andrea Britton came on board Mi-Soul as PR. She seemed outwardly bubbly and friendly with everyone, including me. She was complimentary of my appearance and my shows etc. At around this point in time, Marcia had suddenly cut off her long relaxed hair and had started to grow a natural afro, which I thought was a great thing, at the time.
Abi Clarke soon came on board as part of a duo with a man called Bob Masters. They were rotation DJ’s. Once again, they seemed pleasant enough. I quietly noted that Abi and I had very little in common so, didn’t try to establish a core friendship beyond the pleasantries. And Abi certainly maintained her pleasantries and would openly show her support on social media whenever I was doing my Friday show’s; thank you Abi. In addition, I was noticing that there were more non Afro/Caribbean females arriving through the door (the last Afro Caribbean to come on board Mi-Soul was Shereen Beckett who worked In the Mi-Soul office). This reality would’ve ordinarily gone unnoticed, but on account of my existing experiences of micro aggressions and covert racism at Mi-Soul, I couldn’t help but wonder what Gordon had planned for the overall dynamics at The Stephem Lawrence Centre. D’Nyce and I had a particular private call in which she expressing her disgruntled feelings of being cheated out of a Saturday show time that she had originally been promised by Gordon Mac. Abi, Bob and some others had since been granted that showtime without a second thought for D’Nyce. I realised that as black women we were about to become vulnerable after all the ‘show time’ we’d put in without payment. The last thing I wanted for any of us was to feel like slaves in helping Gordon Mac build his business to them be discarded I started speaking with Marcia and D’nyce, focusing pn efforts of us coming together to provide each other with an open loyalty of positive support so as to encourage protection from anyone of us from being ‘easily removed from the station. This wasn’t to create a divide or animosity to anyone outside of the three of us). I told them that if we didn’t know how to come together Gordon will find it easier to get rid of us one by one and replace us with white women. But this became a struggle in practice as Marcia was still trying to defeat me in this manufactured thought of being the ‘Queen B’ of the station. And D’Nyce, though not as blatant as Marcia was also trying to accomplish the same thing, thinking there was a certain status to be obtained with that position, but I didn’t believe such a status existed without heavy costs. Marcia would say “what about Abi, we need to think about her too. Whilst I took zero issue with Abi, I made it clear to Marcia that I have no personal issue or malice with Abi (or any other non black women) at all. Abi supports my show and is pleasant but the reality is, she will be fine due to Gordon’s agenda and her being white. It’s likely that if we don’t actively show a healthy togetherness as black women, Abi and other white women will outlast us all at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. It was an exhausting process in trying to convince both of them that we are better together than we would be, apart. I knew, more than anything Marcia’s desire was to feel needed and appreciated by being paid her worth by the industry, she was obvious in displaying that reality to me. I ascertained, D’nyce needed to be respected and celebrated for her ‘great craftsmanship’ on the turntables, she displayed that to me. And above all else, I needed to stay at the Stephen Lawrence Centre to get my closure which so far, I had not been able to even begin to get on account of all of Gordon’s racist antics.
In the mean time, Marcia had done so many more strange and underhanded activities in her continued mental state of being negatively fixed on me, including: 1)Turning up on the Friday afternoon of my interviewing an artist and trying to commandeer the photo-shoot that accompanied the interview whilst inserting herself into the photo shoot itself. 2)Arriving unannounced at one of my DJ residency’s in Dalston, with her full DJ gear, and every intention of just, taking over my gig?! To a point, I had to ask her “what on earth do you think you’re doing?”. But as Bizarre as 6) and 7) were, the biggest mind blow for me was when Marcia announced to me that she had just started working in a supermarket fulltime. What’s more she told me that it was MY LOCAL supermarket, near my home! An area that she herself, does not live in. I was shocked and made a concerted effort in keeping a distance from her, this was going too far. Even though, I politely gave her another excuse in telling her that I’d stop shopping there for fear of making her feel uncomfortable in me seeing her, in that undesired setting.
Marcia had paid so much attention to my female black life and thoughts on ways to infiltrate it that she took her hands off of the steering wheel of her own and so when Gordon decided to reshuffle the station to make more room for those he desired more; not long after Abi Clark and Bob Masters arrived, her show ended up being renegaded to 3am on a Sunday into Monday morning. All I could think about was how much I’d stressed that we needed to focus on a positive togetherness. In realising that I was not the enemy and that she needn’t have done not one thing of all that she had been doing, Marcia began to come down in her eager temperament a bit. I felt empathy for her and wanted to help. So eventually, I agreed to meet her after her work one day (supermarket) to give her tips on how to move forward in her desired career. I ‘genuinely’ wanted her to do well in her life, so I took her to a local bar, bought her a drink and began to brainstorm with her… for her. I told her that she should stop accepting gigs for ‘cab fare home’ money as she had been doing for goodness knows how many years thus far, and start demanding her true worth. But nothing I said helped, and even though technically Marcia was still at the station, before long Marcia called me one Sunday in a terrible state; she was crying and her voice was trembling, having felt the discard from Gordon. She felt as though Gordon had made a fool of her in using all of her enthusiasm and good navigation through social media in order to help build his empire with zero reward given back to Marcia. We talked for a few hours. After that, even though Marcia and I had spoken on the phone numerous times before, we began speaking more frequently. And although I’ve never shopped in my local supermarket again, I got used to the fact and moved on. I just saw her as misunderstood and oppressed black woman who was desperate to live out her dreams. And as another black woman in this world, I know how things can get at times, afterall; I was still dealinh with my micro aggressions at the station too.
There were only two Black female DJ’s left. And whilst D’Nyce and I got along, there was always Gordon and (mostly) his wife Debra looming in the background in trying to cause a divide between D’Nyce and I. Micro aggressive fuelled jabs would be thrown at me in the presence of D’nyce in attempts to ridicule and undermine me, reduce my worth as a friend in D’Nyces eyes. At this stage it was ever so slight and subtle mocking of my expressed thoughts here and there.
Out of the blue, Andrea Britton, was commissioned to re-do my originally commissioned graphic artwork. Nobody told meat the time and nobody complained to me about my finished product to a point that it needing a complete overhaul. I didn’t find out that Andrea was the person behind the new finished work that was used until 2 years later when she told me herself over the phone.
Rachel Marsh is the wife of Roy Marsh, a longstanding friend of Gordon Mac. Gordon had brought in Rachel Marsh to the station to show her around on a particular Friday whilst I was doing my show. As such, he brought her to the studio and introduced her to me, as the new person who’ll be running the Mi-Soul social media handles. He did not introduce her has Roy’s wife and I had no idea of any personal connections between any of them. I greeted her and she was complimentary in stating “you’re so pretty”. Some weeks later, D’Nyce privately sent me a screenshot of the below Mi-Soul IG post. She wanted to show me the presenting a white woman as the main face of a promotion for ‘Windrush Day’ Which is a day to remember when many from the Caribbean came to England in helping to rebuild the UK. D’Nyce wanted to point out to the comment below the post, of a response to the image, written by a disgruntled black listener of the station. At this point in time. select listeners and DJ’s had started to notice a switch of Mi-Soul’s dynamics in which it seemed more a case of black people’s culture was being used to service an overall of a white demographic for profit and pleasure as opposed to an initial feel of, we were all supposed to be coming together for a brighter tomorrow as a community. Some of the black DJ’s (not many but some) had been removed in an unscrupulous, yet underhanded manner, in contrast with what we had all been told by Gordon upon arrival.
Gordon and Debra Mac continued their micro aggressive antics toward me. Debra had started privately messaging D’nyce, whom she had no prior connection with nor professionally, or personally; they were not friends, and she had seemingly taken to engaging with D’Nyce out of the blue. D’Nyce was so shocked at Debra’s baseless conduct that she screen-shot some of these messages and sent them to me without my asking her to. I could see the that Debra’s huge charm offensive was motivated by the hopes of coercing D’Nyce away from the friendship she held with me. In the same timeline, whenever opportunity presented itself the same Debra Mac continued undermine me in D’Nyces presence. Gordon’s contribution in attempting to cause friction between D’Nyce and I, was to suddenly take away weekend cover shows that I had routinely been doing and give them to D’Nyce, whilst taking to messaging her in telling her “how great” her show was that that day Although, this had no negative effect on me; I was happy for D’Nyce. She deserved more and she was getting it; I could see the motivation on his part. I tried to tell D’Nyce, what they were attempting to do but she didn’t really want to digest this reality because she was getting more recognition, and this was something that she craved considering Gordon had left her to the side on a weekly 1am-3am radio show, aired on Tuesday’s into Wednesday, to a demographic of people who would ordinarily be in bed anytime between 10pm and midnight, ahead of another day’s work on the Wednesday Morning. This meant that her weekly listenership was routinely low. In our many conversations outside of the radio station D’Nyce would make it known how she felt about her show time, so, I encouraged her to have ‘above board’ and polite talks with Gordon regarding a more suitable show time so she could finally spread her wings. I would also keep my ears to the ground in listening out for when a DJ with a more desirable show time might be leaving and I‘d quickly let D’Nyce know, so she could have a shot at approaching Gordon with hopes of getting that vacant time for her show. It was understood by me that D’Nyce had a conversation with Gordon on two separate occasion but Gordon would give her an excuse with a promise to re-visit and leave it there. At this point, I had also told D’Nyce who I am and the journey I’d been on since 92”/93”. I did so, because the walls were closing in on me. Debra was continuously undermining my existence in the presence of D’Nyce and Gordon had openly given me stares of death on one or two occasions, and D’Nyce had noticed. So I thought, If I tell her my story she would have a better understanding as to why I was still there with all that was being thrown at me. Like most people in my life, D’Nyce knew me as a character of strength and I was proud of that trait and didn’t want her to think any less of me in the wake of all she was witnessing. I also told her that I didn’t want to say anything to anyone because I don’t want to cause a stir to Stephen’s legacy and that I my initial plan was to just to get ‘quiet’ closure but It’s just not happening. I said that I had to consider all of the other DJ’s too because if I speak on what’s happening, this will blow up and I wasn’t sure how it would effect everyone else.
Unbeknownst to me; a one, young female by the name Rosie Coxshaw, born and bred from Essex, had started a magazine called E1 life with her Mother along side her mother and father (According to the records), to help her set out. The magazine focused on lifestyle, with an emphasis on Essex life. Through the magazine she had a quest to interview a Mi-Soul DJ at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London. She had set her sights on, Ronnie Herel. Rosie contacted Mi-soul to interview Ronnie for her magazine. and the interview was agreed upon. Rosie was promptly asked to send over her questions for Ronnie to answer and send back on email, but Rosie was displeased with this method of interview and continued to insist that she meet Ronnie to do the interview in person.
In the end Ronnie caved and agreed to do the interview in person after which point, at some point shortly after they began dating. Ronnie Herel is an ex BBC radio presenter who currently does the drive-time show on Mi-Soul. As such, Gordon has placed him in high esteem as far as the ranking of mi-Soul DJ’s are concerned. Ronnie is also head of music at the station. He has an extended relationship with select others within the management from the station including a healthy understanding with Gordon. Some may even reference it as a biased working relationship in accordance with many of the other DJ’s dynamic with management. This is not a critique but rather, an observation. With this observation coupled with the existing knowledge that; Gordon is not impartial to having the DJ’s wives’ engage in working activity for the station, it stands to reason that Ronnie would have brought Rosie into the peripheral of the Mi-Soul fold and introduced her to Gordon and others who are deemed of importance to them. This gave Rosie instant access to people and opportunity that she would not have otherwise had, seeing as she is not from the same demographic, nor culture as the community that she was now entering. Nor did she have any hand in building the space that she was now entering. Due to my otherwise lack of interest and thereby engagement with Ronnie’s personal life, I had no idea of his new space of personal life at that time. However, I do recall seeing a spread of E1ife magazines in the office one day but when I skimmed one, it didn’t hold any interest for me because I’ve never focused on Essex and I didn’t have cultural interest in the Essex space of living so, I put the magazine back and forgot about it…
By now my racial targeting, misogyny and accompanied abuse, was almost unbearable. The activity had taken yet another turn for the worse and had increased in: 1)The number of people actively contributing. 2)The varied spaces of tries. 3) The frequency of tries. There were never any pre-warnings, so it could happen at any time, anywhere. On this occasion, it was in Ibiza. The week was no great to say the least, anyway. But nothing prepared me for the last night It was clear that Marcia had ‘craftily’ been discarded by Gordon Mac without him having actually ‘officially’ dismissing her. He continued to blur the lines by booking her on the 2017 Ibiza line up so as to cover his tracks of foul play and making it look like he’s provided opportunity for those who may later, have something to say about his less than honourable activity. On this last night in Ibiza, we were at Pikes Hotel; I’d just left a spot that I was hanging out with Stretch Taylor in (I got on with Stretch in an non confusing, extremely clear plutonic way *much in the same way like how I got on with Dr Psycho). I casually speaking with with a group of ladies by some day beds including Andrea Britton, who had initially called me over having seen me walk by. Whilst speaking with the ladies asking if they’re enjoying their evening etc… Debra Mac (Gordon’s wife) walks over wearing a soft cream chiffon dress and on the cue of me telling her “you look nice Debra” She began verbally attacking me whilst grabbing my sleeve. Debra Mac was aggressive with her tone as she began to tell me, I look a state and that she’s shocked I would dare to wear what I’ve worn. She then went on to stand before me as if she were a boxer squaring up to another boxer and said “I know all about you Tutu, I know who you are! You need to know about me! Take a seat, they’ll tell you all about me!” All I could think is ‘No, you don’t know me because I imagine you wouldn’t be saying and doing ANY of the things that you have done and said to me if you did, for fear of being shamed to a nation for the bitter racist that you and your husband truly are.’ Regardless of my inner thoughts, I outwardly told her that she doesn’t know me. Debra insisted that she does know me as a character and kept on in aggressively telling me to “take a seat!” I politely and calmly, excused myself from the situation, but Debra Mac came looking for me again, this time she upped her physical attack and aggression. She began pulling on my arm and sleeve whilst say “What are you still doing wearing this?! I thought I told you to throw it in the bin it looks a state!” I told her that she’s “not my mother” but she just came back with even more insult. “I bet you wish I was your mother?! Maybe I should be you mother, then maybe I’d take you out shopping and buy you some better clothes!” All the while I’m taking steps back away from her but she just kept taking steps forward toward me. Throughout this second round of attack, Jayne Billi was sat on a chair watching the whole thing but had nothing to say, did not try to assist me or stop Debra Mac (baring in mind, this is the woman that Jayne claimed as one half of her bestie duo), she just sat there and watched. At one point, I was cornered in the closed off section behind where the DJ was playing when Debra said, You’re scared of me aint ya? cos I’m Gordon’s wife and he’s your boss. In a stoic tone I simply replied “No” But she still wanted more, so she went on in saying “Oh yeeeesssss your Tuuuuutuu, Tutu isn’t scared of anyone is she?!” I replied once more in a stoic tone “That’s right. No.” “But you’re scare of my husband aint ya? cos he’s your boss!” This time she’s now starting to point her finger and dig at my arm as she was speaking at me. The truth of the matter is, if it wasn’t for the manager of the venue coming over, as if from out of nowhere to rescue me from Debra Mac’s attack, I’m not 100% sure that I wouldn’t have ended up as one of those news stories of a woman who had an ‘accident’ and “we’re not sure what happened we just found her here like this…” as authorities pronounce me dead on arrival. Because, I wasn’t sure how far Debra Mac was trying to go with this. I do know that any one with any less restraint than I had on the night might have K.O’d Debra Mac which would have escalated the whole situation. And truth be told, if it wasn’t for my life’s journey and Stephen Lawrence’s legacy I can’t truly say that I wouldn’t have been the one to do the knocking out! Debra Mac was making it almost impossible for any other way out. But my priority remained and I had no intention of throwing away my life’s journey and compromising Stephen’s legacy for Debra Mac, any other Mac, or anyone else in that space.
Such restraints on what I endured in Ibiza (and way beyond) come with their mental toll’s. So, once we all arrived back in London, I broke down crying to Shereen over the phone, whilst telling her everything. Shereen already knew of the dynamics (and heard, only goodness knows what in the office on the many days that I wasn’t there.) I told her I didn’t think I could hold on any more, but she asked me to hold on. “Hold on Tutu! Everything happens for a reason so just hold on. Look how that manager in Ibiza came and saved you from Debra, out of nowhere; he was like your angel. There are times I want to come to that building with a can of petrol and just light the whole place up because I’m so infuriated but I don’t! God is watching, so just hold on.” This is what she said and I thought she was ‘the angel’ for saying that because she didn’t know what that meant to me in the bigger picture of my journey and needing validation in that moment.
The next week back from Ibiza, Debra Mac continued with her micro aggressions; this time, she chose social media as the portal. Debra Mac started following me in IG. I saw and quickly blocked her before she could do anything to harm me online as well. I told D’Nyce of everything; that it was a nightmare. I told her that Debra Mac just started to follow me on IG and I’ve just had to block her. D’Nyce was shocked that I’d dared to take steps to block Gordon’s wife (who was clearly one of my abusers.) In turn, D’Nyce being shocked at me taking steps to protect myself, shocked me.
More than ever, Gordon and Debra continued at their efforts to forge a divide between the only two black women who were DJ’s at the station. Debra Mac continued in this forced space of charm offensive with D’Nyce, whilst Gordon was giving D’Nyce more cover shows (but not too many to a point, that it looked obvious.)
Dr Psycho had suddenly passed away in less than 2 months after we got back from Ibiza.
It was Andrea Britton’s idea, to all meet up at the local bar close to the Stephen Lawrence Centre where some of us gathered in comforting each other on account of Dr Psycho’s passing. I didn’t want to go, because I didn’t think most of the people there truly respected black lives and since Dr Psycho is black, I didn’t think they respected him or what he had done for the station (which was a lot.) But in the end, I caved as I was at home on my own crying and thought that there would be at least one or two who did respect Psycho and I could draw comfort with them. Whilst there, I decided to use a moment outside with Natalie (Craig Williams partner) to address her stand off-ish behaviours toward me over the last few years. I felt it was time to just reassure her that I was never, and will never be after her partner; that I have my own reasons for being here and my own life’s desires. I don’t hold a romantically sentimental torch for not one of the DJ’s. She tried to deny her longstanding, displayed thoughts at first. Eventually, she admitted that she did think, perhaps something might happen between her partner and I. I reassured her one last time and to that she said “she can see that what she thought was clearly not the case” she apologised and said she felt silly and could see I was my own person doing my own thing. I accepted her apology and told her it was okay. It felt nice to clear the air with someone on this day.
With the help of her parents, yet again; Rosie Coxshaw (who was now Ronnie’s relatively, newly instated girlfriend) was making moves to create a new business for herself called ‘Modern Woman’. Through this new business, Rosie Coxshaw intended to ‘passionately’ support women at work. At the same time, she and Ronnie Herel had decided to started a new black music focused, club event night. With zero knowledge of Rosie Coxshaws existence coupled with a lack of interest in Ronnie Herel’s personal life; I still had no idea of Rosiw Coxshaw’s existence or her business plans. where Rosie was concerned along with Rosie herself who I did not know existed at the time. However, I had briefly seen a Funky Dory logo on my FB timeline, I quietly acknowledged that I didn’t like the logo and thought he had wasted a good opportunity to go all out on a good concept, from a graphics perspective. But that was a short lived thought as I moved on. It’s worth noting that Ronnie and I had hardly any engagement with each other and for the most part, I was happy to keep it that way. Also, he had never once openly acknowledged my artistic ability or commented on my graphic.
Whilst I had no knowledge of Rosie’s existence Rosie was indeed, very aware of mine. She would’ve heard me on the radio, and I imagine that it’s also obvious she would have seen me on social media. I’m not sure what other thoughts ran through her mind; but like many others, I’m sure she would have a processed her own understanding of a strong ‘on-air’ female character presence, as a woman at work. I’m equally certain, she would have also seen my graphic artwork online, through full display of my uploads for my weekly shows, thus she would’ve seen my abilities, possibly asking Ronnie who done my graphics in seeking a better solution for their own needs . Further to the above, knowing Ronnie had shown zero interest in my art over the last 5 years of working together, coupled with his (relatively) newly established relationship with Rosie Coxshaw; I imagine Rosie Coxshaw leveraged her relationship in asking Ronnie to try and get me to do the graphics for their club night. After all, her boyfriend does work with me, giving Rosie proximity and access. On the day of Dr Psycho’s nine night; after my show, I had every intention of rushing home freshen up, and make my way to Dr Psycho’s Nine night, but a few things delayed me. One was Ronnie approaching me in asking to commission me to create art for use as his logo. I was taken aback. Baring in mind my brain was half fried from all of the abuse which further compounded my original trauma for which, I was now sure that I would not be able to obtain closure, but stayed because; I also acknowledged, if I left Mi-Soul and the Stephen Lawrence Centre at that point, I’d be a skip, hop and a jump away from a breakdown from the now added trauma of all I’d endured whilst at MI-Soul. I was uncertain if my mental health would be able to spring back from that. On top of all else, I was completely disorientated and still trying to process Dr Psycho’s death. I thought; on account of Psycho’s passing and how unpleasant Ronnie was toward Dr Psycho whilst he was alive, Ronnie wanted to do something nice to the one person on the daytime roster who consistently got along with Psycho (against all odds of other’s periodically going against him). So, I smiled in agreement of taking on the commission. THIS is when I first heard the name ‘Rosie’. Ronnie told me she was his ‘business’ partner and asked that I “deal with her” going forward for the commission. But I’d never heard of this person before, So I told Ronnie that I’d just as well prefer to deal with him on a count of the said. But he was insistent. We went back and forth three times on the matter and I truly felt as though Rosie Coxshaw was being thrust onto me. In the end, I agreed to just “deal with Rosie”. I went home and looked at her profile. I saw that she was far younger than both me and most of my peers at the station and that she had clearly stated that she was ‘supporting women at work’ whilst labelling herself as an all round passionate person. In fact, she presented herself to a public as an endearing character and a woman of great virtue. I felt a bit better about having to deal with this stranger in thinking perhaps she just wants to flex her muscles on the whole ‘supporting women’ thing by association of working on a project with me, being a woman. In fact, I requested her on this premise and the fact that she was younger and likely had a different mind set to some of the more desperate people from my demographic.
Andrea Britton had found a white female DJ duo. One of the women looked like she took on a similar aesthetic to me whilst being white. she had curly hair and had cut it in a way that is reminiscent of a black woman’s afro. And in a similar cut to mine. Her name is Emma noble I found out about Noble and Heath whilst on the go. Andrea had taken to starting up a new event promotion space on social media for the Mi-Soul’s DJ’s. Andrea Britton was adding Dj’s back to back to back; I kept getting notifications whilst I was on my phone, and was wondering why they were all coming through (nobody announced this new space to me). I kept having to skip on my screen, until Noble and Heath came through and I found myself looking again. I got home and called D’Nyce and showed her the pictures I’d seen. She was also shocked. In fact, I showed a few DJ’s and everyone was in shock Because everyone knew that as much as those at the station tried to make me feel bad for having an afro, as much as they did all that they could to convince my pride in my afro was misplaced, as much as they did all that they could to try and separate me from my established image that EVERYONE knew was my signature look and had been for over seventeen proud years and counting; before Andrea Britton, had come to work in the black music industry, before Emma Noble came to DJ in any space of the black music, before Gordon felt it was his right to try and ‘aggressively’ attack my hair as a black woman, before I knew he even existed! This was my signature as a black woman in the black music media industry. And now, Andrea Britton had taken it upon herself to decide that it “just made sense ladies” to bring Noble and Heath, to the Stephen Lawrence Centre (of all places), where I already existed. With a white woman, who had clearly styled herself in likeness of a black woman and in this case in my likeness of physical appearance I was already going through the worst racism ever for a very long 5 years, but apparently there was room for more… And Dr Psycho hadn’t even been buried yet; apparently, racism gives it’s victims no breaks… apparently. This all took me back to when I’d been trying to tell Marcia and D’Nyce about being replaced by white counterparts, on account of Gordon’s unscrupulous racism. Like I said previously, I was never going to get my closure at the Stephen Lawrence Centre… Andrea is PR, so I’m pretty sure she would’ve known that this could be potentially compromising the existing black woman who was there from the beginning, in helping to build the company before Andrea arrived in year three. She would’ve known it would upset the apple cart. There was zero duty of care in her position of PR, where I was concerned. Needless to say, I was more than slightly uncomfortable from a psychological aspect; as a black woman in my position, within our industry, where part of our brand and strength is our appearance, I felt completely gaslit. More so on account; Andrea Britton had previously bared witness to some of my humiliating attacks of racism (including Debra Macs most recent attack in Ibiza).
I felt so disrespected by Andrea and Gordon, who had ultimately approved all. I also felt disregarded as a black woman in the Stephen Lawrence Centre for obvious reason’s, regardless of whether they knew my associated trauma or not. I Called Andrea to specifically ask what was going on?! Her stance was to tell me “No, Tutu. There’s nothing in it. I just saw her at another radio station and thought it made sense to have her at Mi-Soul. You and her are completely different, there’s no similarities at all”. Andrea went on to tell me that the duo plays Northern Soul. To which I said there’s no such thing. Soul played in the North of England isn’t another form of Soul. it’s just, Soul music played in the North of England, and I’m pretty sure the black artist behind most of the original soul music sounds, who mostly but not exclusively originated from black America, would not disagree with me in this telling of fact. But Andrea just kept telling me that there’s nothing in it, and that we are completely different. “When you meet her, you’ll see that she’s really nice”. But I wasn’t questioning the validity of her character, I was questioning Andrea on the lack of her duty of care for an existing DJ and Mi-Soul’s premier female DJ, and only consistent daytime DJ?! At this point, Gordon Mac’s actions along with select others had made it abundantly clear; the reason for the erection of The Stephen Lawrence Centre building had been completely tossed to the side by Mi-Soul’s company ethics and the roll out of things. They had chosen, white supremacy and oppression of the already marginalised as a greater need in taking shape, as centre stage. And my quiet depression is building up even more. Knowing that this was being done in plain sight and that nobody was helping me made matters worse.
It’s the day of Dr Psycho’s funeral and we’re now at the reception. I’m was stood with D’Nyce when Andrea Britton walks over to us. Before long, Debra Mac (Gordon Mac’s wife) follows suit in walking over. Andrea Britton (who by now is thoroughly aware of Debra Mac’s need to put me down) makes a cheeky, observational remark in mentioning that Debra Mac and I had on similar scarves, this resulted in Debra being triggered into more attempts of her trying to undermine and embarrass me, right there at my friend and colleague, Dr Psycho’s funeral. I had walked away. But D’Nyce thought it funny to bring Debra over to the table we were already seated. Through D’Nyces conduct, I knew that Gordon Mac and Debra Mac’s long played out plan of a friendship separation was now taking effect for D’Nyce. But I wasn’t going to give up on my attempts to show D’Nyce that we (black people) don’t have to cave in to dynamics of racism in order to succeed.
Rebecca, (Lloyd Holder’s partner) whom I barely knew (in any capacity), was in attendance at the Mi-Soul Christmas party. Whilst I was talking to another male DJ, she seemed to have a need to get my attention by shouting out “Oi! Oooiii!” I didn’t respond so she continued until she found it in herself to address me by my name, to which; I responded. She was slightly taken aback, stating; she’d been calling me for some time and that I embarrassed her by blanking her. I calmly told her “I don’t respond to “Oi” and that if you know me then address me by my name. Later in the same night at approximately 1 am. Rebecca found me again, and launched into a very uncomfortable conversation in regards to, why the black men in her family life don’t like black women. I made it clear that this is none of my concern and that I do not wish to have this conversation with her. But she was forceful in her speech in insisting that this conversation needs to be had. This conversation that may need to be had, does not to be had with me. Take it back to those who need to hear it, I’m not one of them so please do not involve me in this. She kept on in telling me that it is important because she is the mother of black girls and is raising future black women, to which I replied, “your girls are not black. I am black; your children are mixed race because you are white Rebecca” ( If any one has any issue with what I stated above in reference to the heritage of Rebbeca’s children (I understand there may be a few people who do), please feel free to take note of Ronnie Herel and/or Rosie Coxshaw’ clear, self professed beliefs of what constitutes as a black person, and the difference between that of a person of mixed heritage. Failing that, you may want to look to Rebecca’s partners, cousin; Wayne was extremely clear on his understanding of Black and of Mixed race, as Rebecca is already well aware.
Rosie and I, finally connected on email to start the desired commission. Vicariously through Ronnie Herel, Rosie Coxshaw (and Ronnie Herel) made it clear to me; even though the finished design involves a woman with an ‘Afro’ hairstyle, I am not to design the face of the woman ‘Black” because “we’re not trying to alienate white people!” This is what Ronnie Herel said to me in the Stephen Lawrence Centre. This matter was a huge discussion between Rosie Coxshaw’s spokesperson (her partner Ronnie Herel) and I. Instead, I was instructed by them to make the image of likeness to a black woman, “mixed race” (So you see, both Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel both have a clear understanding of the definitive spaces between that of a black woman and a woman of mixed heritage). I gave the client what they asked for due to my state of mental being and not wanting Ronnie to make my life harder than it already was. Essentially, I couldn’t see a way out around what they’d requested that wouldn’t involve my eventual removal from the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
Once finished, Rosie Coxshaw then motioned to try her level best, to pull wool over my eyes in trying to get me to relinquish my intellectual property unto her without Rosie Coxshaw actually purchasing my IP. She first started with passive aggression, by asking for the image in PSD file even though I had already sent through the Hi-Res JPEG. From the moment she first asked, I knew what Rosie Coxshaw’s intentions were; I allowed her room to exhaust herself, and let it all just play out, so I flattened the image and sent it through on a PSD file. Not satisfied; Rosie Coxshaw thought that perhaps I must have rendered the art in Adobe illustrator and proceeded to ask me for those files also. So I flattened it in illustrator and sent through that file too. As a last resort to bully me into giving her my intellectual property, Rosie Coxshaw went from micro to macro in withholding payment for my services. Instead she instructed her own graphic designer; (a man) to soft ball, strong arm me (a working woman, whom is supposedly; her primary target to champion at work via her company ‘Modern Woman) for the purpose of relinquishing my intellectual property unto them without any purchase of rights. I had a quick call with a man called Stuart, whom I do not know, and had never engaged with prior to starting the commission, nor at any point during the work time in rendering said commission. I told him in no uncertain terms, that Rosie will not be getting her hands on my IP without purchase. In him realising, I wasn’t stupid, he quickly complimented my work and bailed on the call. In the end Rosie was forced to call me herself, as I was texting her whilst becoming more disgruntled with each text. Rosie began in speaking office jargon, so I interjected and cut to the chase. “Rosie I understand the crux of things; you want the intellectual property, which I am more than happy to ‘sell’ to you but that is a separate conversation that I can have with you and Ronnie if you wish, but the intellectual property is not part of a deal involving a heavily subsidised rate offer from me with the addition of a promise of promotion for my freelance graphics service from you, I’m afraid. Rosie began to ask if I could do more to the design by changing it back to colours of the design that she had just declined previously. Truth be told, if she hadn’t shown her true self to be a deceitful character who was clearly treating me as though I were stupid, I would’ve obliged to her request of changes. Nut this was not the case, so I chose not. Other than to reveal to me that Rosie Coxshaw was a imposter of the virtuous persona she displays to the public, his whole episode was exhausting and baseless. I told D’Nyce of the ridiculousness of it all. And the reality that somebody clearly misinformed Rosie in telling her that I was stupid.
Although I didn’t find out until much later down the line; regardless of the final telephone exchange between Rosie Coxshaw and I; regardless of my clear stance on my intellectual property; in a matter of day’s later, Rosie Coxshaw (who once again, is passionate as well as a self professed advocate in giving love and championing women at work) decided she did not care and proceeded to steal my intellectual property in going full throttle and registering it as her trademark without any purchasing from the owner, me. Just another four days after she stole my at work’s IP (on the left), Rosie took to social media via Modern Woman to positively address and support women at work (on the Right).
The day had come for Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel to do as agreed in promoting my graphic design services in the hopes of my receiving more commissions. However, Rosie forfeited her end of our business deal. Hiding behind Ronnie Herel, they both went over board in a an effort to spite me and to undermine me through extending a form of cyber bulling me. Ronnie debuted my artwork as their logo and thanked as many other people as he could possibly squeeze in to the post, by his own admission “a loooooong” post. Just another stolen opportunity to humiliate me with the motivation being racism. In addition, considering what Rosie has told a public, she stands for; her egregious acts were an additional attempt in sending me a clear message: 1)You’re not a ‘real’ working woman. 2)You’re not a ‘real’ woman. As such, I don’t need to champion you! I don’t even need to respect you!’ I would like to remind all these facts: a)Rosie Coxshaw was just one year into her life when I was attacked, as I was entering into my years of womanhood. b)Rosie Coxshaw was just two years into life when Stephen was murdered. c)Rosie Coxshaw is the same generation as my daughter, whom I birthed and raisedas a woman… into a woman. That’s all for now… Tbc
Just for a fuller context, via her business Modern Woman: 1)Rosie Coxshaw is still keeping up appearances in marketing herself to a new public that her personal association with Ronnie Herel and therefore by extension, Mi-Soul radio initially aided her in making available. 2)Rosie Coxshaw is putting up posts about caring for all, the virtue of perseverance, equal rights. 3)Rosie Coxshaw is even putting up posts pertaining to racism that women of colour may suffer at work and the links to mental health! 4)Rosie Coxshaw is posting general support for women at work…
All the while, across ‘Facebook town’, on the other side of Rosie Coxshaw’s fence of contrast: 1)Rosie Coxshaw is brutally, ripping this working woman’s (me) artwork to shreds and crapping all over it, baring in mind she has already stolen the IP. 2)Rosie Coxshaw is engaging in plagiarism galore with my artwork that she has already stolen the IP of. 3)Rosie Coxshaw is removing my signature from my own artwork, that she has stolen the IP of. 4)Rosie Coxshaw is refusing to keep to the agreed arrangement that encourage me to charge her a heavily subsidised rate of fee; I’m yet to be mentioned or given a public thank you by Rosie Coxshaw. All whilst she utilises my work for her and Ronnie Herel’s sole benefit and glory, as you can see. 5)Rosie Coxshaw is not displaying a ‘care for all’ women at work. 6)Rosie Coxshaw is not displaying any ‘grace of virtues’ for women at work 7)Rosie Coxshaw is not displaying, any sign of ‘equal rights’ 8)Rosie Coxshaw is not displaying any care for (my) ‘mental health’. and as a conclusion… 9)Rosie Coxshaw does not care about racism against women of colour at work. 10)In fact, Rosie Coxshaw is a contributor of racism for this woman at work (me).
One month after Rosie Coxshaw and Ronnie Herel debut my artwork as their logo, Gordon calls’ me out of the blue to tell me, I’m being taken off of my show and off of Friday afternoons which I’d been doing, almost since inception of my being at the station. Mark Medley will now be doing Friday’s. I was given no prior warning and was not permitted a dignified departure. It also meant that I would no longer be using my own shows promotional artwork which was an image of me and my signature ‘afro’. I’m now demoted to doing cover shows (When someone’s on holiday or off sick) “Tutu can you cover Mark Smedley for today please? He has a doctor’s appointment” that sort of thing. Which I can only describe as soul destroying foe someone who helped to build the station from scratch and has racially suffered every step of the way without any window for the closure you came for, in the first place.
I tried to make the demotion a little more dignified for myself (left) but as you can see (right) the station did not play ball. They presented me as a ‘no frills’ cover. I was not allowed to use my ‘Tutu’ jingles anymore I had no real identity on the radio, just cover.
It was time for the annual MI-Soul DJ meeting held at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. After which some of us went to the bar across the street for drinks. I Was sat laughing and joking with some of the original male DJ’s. Martin Lodge bought me a nice Cod and Chips meal and a handful of us sat down and had a catch up. Emma Noble comes in having attended her first ever Mi-Soul DJ meeting. At the end of the night, I was saying good byes and found myself in a huddle dynamic with Andrea Britton, Emma Noble and Emma’s Dj friend Ned Pillar, who is a white man, that’s also new to Mi-Soul and whom I’ve never met before, or new existed prior to the day in question. Andrea Britton. Who if you can recall; had once said to me over the phone “No, you two are completely different” in answering to my question as to why she thought it “just made sense” in reference to Emma Noble nd the prospects of even more marginalising the originally marginalised in a building that was erected to aid the marginalised on account of a black man’s racially motivated murder. Now that you’ve recalled, I’ll get back to the evening in question, where; there in the bar, in what was the first time Emma Noble and I were stood in the same room, Andrea Britton also thought it made sense to say” oh look, you two have the same hair!” whilst beginning to laugh. At which point. Emma Noble’s friend, Ned reached over and grabbed my hair whilst saying “yeah but only one of theirs is real, her one’s a weave!” I had to Bat his hand away and told him to “NEVER touch my damn hair again! EVER!” I looked at Andrea who knew exactly what she was doing and said nothing more in the moment. I left the venue and on the way home, I thought to myself, I’d been more than tricked into building all, just for other non black people to come and benefit, pushing the black people into a new space of marginalisation (at the Stephen Lawrence Centre). Psycho had died, and there was no other black man that I could really talk to on a certain level at Mi-Soul. There were no other black men at Mi-Soul cared to stand up to the racism or even cared to notice that it was well under way. My hair style and identity as a black woman was such an issue for the plethora of racists surrounding me. They were desperate to separate me from my identity.
