After 21 years of not giving up on my solo navigation to a space of justice and closure, I was relieved when I arrived at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. I was able to apply for a radio show on Mi-Soul radio.com. I believed all my trauma on this matter would be healed through my work in the Stephen Lawrence Centre…
I was the first female DJ through the door of the station and the first daytime female DJ on Mi-Soul. Part of the healing came from being able to freely express and reflect my feminine black pride and Stephen’s black legacy in a good light so I intentionally used this photograph to promote my show on social media.
I was the first female DJ through the door of the station and the first daytime female DJ on Mi-Soul. Part of the healing came from being able to freely express and reflect my feminine black pride and Stephen’s black legacy in a good light so I intentionally used this photograph to promote my show on social media.
It was important to get along with all others. So, even though I found it daunting (at first), I made efforts in most opportunities to engage with the other DJ’s and personnel. I didn’t try to stand out but equally, I owned my uniqueness; it’s what aided me on my radio shows.
I had every intention of showing more of my uniqueness through my graphics and art. The plan was to slowly, progressively bring more of my art into the music industry via being at the Stephen Lawrence Centre. This was part of my plan of turning a negative journey into something positive.
This is when the micro aggressions started. Gordon Mac was the first to bring forth covert racism and misogyny. It started with him making strong efforts to convince me and others that I was a diva even though this is not my character. Even though I did not know her and she does not know me; Debra Mac tried to introduce the idea of me being a little ‘fruit and nut’ to others and to me, also.
Mi-Soul had it’s first club event, which was held at the Bedroom Bar in Shoreditch. I remember telling a friend that I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to be deemed anti-social, so I went. I was stood with some of the other (black male) DJ’s when a listener/fan of the station whom I’d never met before called Jayne Billie came over with a bottle of Prosecco and a few glasses; she started pouring and serving all the males around me, smiling at them as she went. Once they all had a glass, she looked at me with a stone face, turned away, and poured herself a glass. A few moments went by when Jayne had an epiphany “Oh my god! Are you DJ Tutu? I’m so sorry! Would you like a glass?” she asked, I politely declined. The next week she came to visit Gordon at the station, we had polite conversation, and she left her number for me. She told Gordon that she liked me, but I didn’t want to get closer to her; not because I thought I was better, but because of her initial interaction with me. I didn’t have anything against her I just knew that she wasn’t for me, so to speak. When Gordon realised I didn’t take her number, he nudged me the next week to take it. He wasn’t rude but his approach was almost as though to say ‘Jayne wants to be friends with you, so be her friend’. I never called her.
Charlotte was a young office intern, I thought she was lovely. A second female DJ had just joined the station; her name is Marcia Carr. I recall Charlotte telling me that there is another female DJ at the station, I was glad to know. Charlotte framed it as “you’ve got competition now… I hated the notion of ‘competition’ and calmly expressed so to Charlotte. “No Charlotte, no competition. Just sisterhood, and I welcome her. Quite frankly, I’m glad there’s another woman here! I look forward to meeting her.” I hoped that that no one had been in Marcia’s ear in referencing me as her ‘competition’. Black women are often pitted up against each other like gladiators, by third parties. All things considered, that was the last thing I wanted.
Marcia Carr had a Monday afternoon show. With 'passive' encouragement from Gordon, Marcia was more than happy to use her newly instated presence to gaslight me, even though we’d never met before. Oddly, on her first show, 'she' introduced 'me' to the station as though to suggest I was the new DJ, and I hadn't been there since the first quarter of the year; nobody pulled her to the side. She went on to do other micro aggressions in her first month of being there, including; conspiring with others in having my photograph removed from the website whilst I was away on account of my father passing away. Gordon did/said nothing. I knew I was going to have to deal with the dynamics myself. I eventually caught up with Marcia on a Friday that she came into the station (even though her shows were on a Monday and I was on the Friday). I figured she wanted to see me I person. I insured we had a pleasant chat which Marcia didn’t make easy at first. I eventually told her that “I am a creative so you don’t have to worry about me trying to take any of your blessings from you. I don’t get off by competing with others, only with myself” We ended our chat at approximately 1 am I bought her a takeaway and we headed home on public transport. This was when Marcia ‘casually’ came to know the area/neighbourhood in which I live.
Carly Ann Monde was/is Ronnie Herel’s studio assistant. Carly and I got on very well. She thoroughly surprised me at our xmas party; she and I were stood at the bar with one other DJ. I turned to the dJ on my left to ask him what drink he was ordering, and then I turned to Carly stood on my right to ask her the same. I jumped with fright! Carly was staring at me as though she wanted to rip my head off; as though she could stick a knife in my chest right there in that moment if she knew she would get away with it! I asked her what the look was but by then she had quickly reframed her expression to a smiling one and acted as though I was imagining things. But the look was too alarming to not notice, and the DJ beside me voiced his acknowledgement too. Because there was a witness, she admitted to it, citing that it was because I always look so good and I’m good at everything. I couldn’t believe that her expression was how she truly felt about me, I would never have guessed it.
D’Nyce was the third female DJ to join. I ignored Marcia’s micro aggression and made efforts to get along with her as another black woman in the industry. I told her that she “doesn’t need to be concerned with me, I’m a creative; ‘creative’s like to ‘create’ our own thing. So, I’m no threat to whatever you’ve already got going on.” I bought her a takeaway and we took late night transport home. This was when Marcia casually came to know the area I live in.
At this point of the station things had gotten overwhelming with many other non black women seeking opportunities to show their worth in an industry that they hadn’t otherwise, professionally contributed to. I felt the pressures from lack of boundaries and Gordon did nothing to create a clear line for others to not cross.
We had a black female photographer who was there since the beginning but once we went DAB she was the first to be ousted from her space due to the dynamic explained above. She spoke to me about it and felt helpless at the time. I was worried for the other black women and started engaging with them more to secure the positions that we’d worked hard for.
Jayne Billie also forged a friendship with Gordon and Debra to a point that she quickly started referring to them as her ‘Besties”
I first met Andrea Britton in 2016. She came on board Mi-Soul as PR for the station. She seemed ‘extremely’ friendly.
