When I first started, Gordon Mac forbid me to speak on air about anything at all to do with hair, make-up and/or fashion/trends (just anything relating to femininity), even though...
1
In week 5, I was made to feel slightly uncomfortable when Gordon Mac and Dave Simpson came across some of my graphic art . Not satisfied with my initial answer, Dave repeatedly asked me who did the art? "Who else? It couldn't have just been you..." Whilst Gordon had an expression, suggestive of ticking thought as he looked at me and said "So, you're one of those..." I hesitated but eventually replied "yes... I'm one of those." Whilst requested for my hard drive to be handed back to me.
2
In week 5, I was made to feel slightly uncomfortable when Gordon Mac and Dave Simpson came across some of my graphic art . Not satisfied with my initial answer, Dave repeatedly asked me who did the art? "Who else? It couldn't have just been you..." Whilst Gordon had an expression, suggestive of ticking thought as he looked at me and said "So, you're one of those..." I hesitated but eventually replied "yes... I'm one of those." Whilst requested for my hard drive to be handed back to me.
In week 5, I was made to feel slightly uncomfortable when Gordon Mac and Dave Simpson came across some of my graphic art . Not satisfied with my initial answer, Dave repeatedly asked me who did the art? "Who else? It couldn't have just been you..." Whilst Gordon had an expression, suggestive of ticking thought as he looked at me and said "So, you're one of those..." I hesitated but eventually replied "yes... I'm one of those." Whilst requested for my hard drive to be handed back to me.
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In week 5, I was made to feel slightly uncomfortable when Gordon Mac and Dave Simpson came across some of my graphic art . Not satisfied with my initial answer, Dave repeatedly asked me who did the art? "Who else? It couldn't have just been you..." Whilst Gordon had an expression, suggestive of ticking thought as he looked at me and said "So, you're one of those..." I hesitated but eventually replied "yes... I'm one of those." Whilst requested for my hard drive to be handed back to me.
5
In week 5, I was made to feel slightly uncomfortable when Gordon Mac and Dave Simpson came across some of my graphic art . Not satisfied with my initial answer, Dave repeatedly asked me who did the art? "Who else? It couldn't have just been you..." Whilst Gordon had an expression, suggestive of ticking thought as he looked at me and said "So, you're one of those..." I hesitated but eventually replied "yes... I'm one of those." Whilst requested for my hard drive to be handed back to me.
6
Gordon and I were in the studio when he calmly turned to me; seemingly out of the blue, he firmly stated "my boys don't fuck with me!" He was referencing all of the male DJ's. I was shocked but maintained a stoic exterior. Not knowing what to say, I replied "That's nice".
On one occasion in the summer of 2013, Gordon and I were out side having a break and he disclosed to me that he never finished school, citing that he had already learned everything he needed to succeed. I asked what that was, his answer: My skills are, I'm good at getting other people to do what I want them to do, or to do the things I don't want to do, or can't do..." 1111
7
By September of 2013, Marcia Carr was brought in to do a weekly show on Monday afternoons. Gordon quickly started using Marcia as a tool for micro/macro aggressions. When my dad passed away, I had to take time off. In my time of grieving, my photograph was replaced with Marcia's on the website and when I came back, Gordon was asking me if I'd like to change my show day to Monday afternoon's instead of Friday. I did not connect the dots back then but have since realised what was being implied. (Marcia was also keen to overtake my position from the moment of her arrival and displayed micro aggression toward me. From one black woman to another, I found this stance to be troubling; it was my quest to subdue and pacify her so we could both prosper..
8
Location: Mi-Soul office Based in Stephen Lawrence Centre. A DJ by the name of Natty B came into the office where Gordon and I were. I greeted natty and began conversing with him; I asked if he had heard about the name change from Choice Fm to Capital Xtra. Considering Choice FM was the first black radio station, Natty and I both acknowledged the sad end of an era. Gordon who was not part of the conversation, interjected with "Oh whatever! You black people never do anything! All you ever do is moan!"
9
Location: Mi-Soul DAB, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London. Friday late afternoon, after my show; I was in the office with Gordon Mac, Ronnie Herel, Lloyd Holder, Debra Mac (Gordon’s wife) who visited with their dog and Peter Borg. We were sat together around Gordon’s desk whist they reminisced over Brixton. Peter Borg makes a racist based joke about the gentrification of Brixton; “with all the black people moving out of Brixton it’s getting harder and harder to buy weed” Everyone laughed but me, and Ronnie turns to me and says “It’s a joke Tutu!” I smiled and said “yeah, I know…”. I waited for approximately 10 minutes, politely said my goodbyes for the week and left the building.
10
Location: Mi Soul Radio HQ's, The Stephen Lawrence Centre Gordon had long since been presenting Micro aggressions toward me, telling people that I am "beautiful but she's trouble!" along with calling me a diva at any given opportunity. Debra Mac Gordon's wife, whom I really didn't know enough and visa versa, was chiming in with her husband, in trying to convince me that I had some level of mental defect. She referred to me as a "Fruit and Nut" I took offence and calmly said, I'm not, to which Debra doubled down in saying, "yes you are!" Gordon calling me a Diva was a regular occurrence, without any rhyme or reason.
11
Location: Mi Soul Radio HQ's, The Stephen Lawrence Centre Gordon was constantly trying to take photographs of me but wouldn't say what for. On one occasion, . Ronnie Herel and George came into the studio whilst I was doing a show to pose for a photograph with me. I asked what the photograph was for and George stuttered then said it was for a magazine article but it wasn't. From that moment I suspected that they were using my photograph(s) to pull in sponsors, sales and advertising for the station, but didn't want to credit me for any tangible, contributing factors to the growth of the station. From that moment, I stopped allowing Gordon to send people to take photo's of me in the studio; although he would keep trying, sending in the latest apprentice to try and sneak a photograph of me. It's worth noting that none of these photographs were ever seen by me or used to promote me i any light. And till this day, Gordon has not credited me in any way shape or form for contributing to the build of the station and/or it's revenue.
12
Context: Mark Smedley has been an associate of Gordon Mac for over 4 decades when he first came to work for Gordon on behalf of Kiss FM in the late 80’s/90’s. Mark Smedley is one of the associates who holds Gordon in very high esteem.
13
Location: Mi-Soul DAB radio station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London I finished my show and came to the office where Mark Smedley was sat at a desk, editing on the office computer. He asked me if I was djing this weekend and I told him I had a gig on the Saturday. I asked him the same and he replied in saying he had a swanky dinner with the family and in-laws, I smiled and said “that sounds nice!” But Mark replied by saying he wasn’t looking forward to it as he would probably have to pay the bill, that his father in-law never pays. I remarked that perhaps the father just doesn’t have the money but still wants to spend time with his family. Mark replied in saying “no that’s not it. He’s Nigerian, ou know what their like?!” I replied in saying “no, what are they like?” Mark replied “You know, freeloading beggars! Never wanting to pay for anything, always looking for a freebie!” As A side note, I am indeed Nigerian and truly wanted to hear what he thought of the people from my Country of heritage. I did tell him to which he replied in shock “Are you? I thought you were Jamaican!”
14
When he referenced Nigerians as “Freeloading beggars, never wanting to pay for anything” whilst in the Stephen Lawrence centre, whilst knowing he was a metropolitan police officer It quietly triggered me on account of my trauma leading up to me coming to be there. I quietly wondered how many Nigerian’s he may have targeted whilst n duty. It made me ask myself if that was why I was brutalised in 1992. But I didn’t show him any bad faith. I wished him a nice weekend and headed off home.
15
Location: Mi-Soul DAB radio Station. Stephen Lawrence Centre, London. I decided to bring a family bag of Starburst sweets to share with the Mi-Soul personnel. I shared them out and left them in the office whilst I did my show. Mark Smedley, George Kay and Dave Simpson ate the sweets and decided to put the empty sweet wrappers in my hair without me realising. As I walked around the office after my show they kept sniggering, I asked why they were laughing and Dave said “you’ve got sweet wrappers in your hair” I didn’t want to believe but they promptly told me to shake my hair” once I did so, multiple wrappers fell from my hair. They all laughed and although I was upset I smiled it off because I didn’t want to make matters worse. Dave then asked me about where I “keep my wig at night” I told him I don’t have a wig…
Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre/Trapeze Nightclub, London, England. We had our Christmas Party at Trapeze in Shoreditch London. Gordon and Peter borg were continuously staring at me and sniggering. After the event when I saw Gordon at the studio I asked him why they were laughing at me, he responded with “we were laughing because you dance like a white woman!” I looked at him and said in a monotone “Oh, okay” (I studied Jazz and contemporary as extra curriculum at college and was a professional hip hop dancer from the age of 17 so I wasn’t really bothered by their critique, I knew it was to get a rise). Gordon noted my lack of care and suggested that I have a “cold heart” because thus far, I wasn’t reacting to their efforts of micro aggressions. I wasn’t reacting because I was choosing to stay focused on the possible closure available to me at the Stephen Lawrence Centre.
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Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. I was unaware that a particular DJ had a history of having meltdowns when I suggested that he come on board an additional, newly instated show time of the Saturday morning Breakfast show. I suggested he join me due to the fact that he was out of a show in that time and he let it be known that he missed being on-air. This was me extending a nice gesture to him. Unfortunately, he did have a meltdown which was completely scary, I felt as though I was in danger and due to it being a Saturday morning there was nobody else in the building. Although there were cameras in the studio and I wondered if Gordon saw the whole episode play out… I sent Gordon a letter after the show and tried to word it so as to express the severity of the matter but not so, I was once again, referenced as a diva. Gordon did not reply or show any. signs of acknowledgement of my email or the matter. I was expecting a “Thanks for letting me know” email, or something along those lines. Below is the actual email I sent to Gordon.
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Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. I was unaware that a particular DJ had a history of having meltdowns when I suggested that he come on board an additional, newly instated show time of the Saturday morning Breakfast show. I suggested he join me due to the fact that he was out of a show in that time and he let it be known that he missed being on-air. This was me extending a nice gesture to him. Unfortunately, he did have a meltdown which was completely scary, I felt as though I was in danger and due to it being a Saturday morning there was nobody else in the building. Although there were cameras in the studio and I wondered if Gordon saw the whole episode play out… I sent Gordon a letter after the show and tried to word it so as to express the severity of the matter but not so, I was once again, referenced as a diva. Gordon did not reply or show any. signs of acknowledgement of my email or the matter. I was expecting a “Thanks for letting me know” email, or something along those lines. Below is the actual email I sent to Gordon.
19
Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. I brought up the matter of the above email to Gordon, the following week at which point he made it known to me that he knew The DJ in question had a melt down and that he had, had these meltdowns in the past. I asked Gordon why he didn’t warn me in advance, considering I would be left alone with said DJ. Gordon shrugged it off and said “you were probably being a Diva any way!” I asked him to kindly stop referring to me as a diva because the other members of staff were starting to now address me as such and were on occasion, negatively acting toward me according to the stigmas attached to the title. Later in the afternoon of that same day, I was telling Marcia Carr in the office about the matter; Gordon overheard and interjected by angrily saying “Just leave it! Don’t talk about it!”
20
Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. Gordon Mac did stop calling me Diva but progressed in calling me ‘trouble’ more and more in an attempt to normalise the associated adjective with my character. Debra Mac was also joining in, in addressing me as ‘trouble’. It became more and more constant. And other members of staff were intermittently behaving toward me in accordance to the notion that I was indeed trouble.
21
Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. Mi-Soul had now progressed from online to DAB and with that came the revamping of the website. I was in the office when Gordon turned to Dave and said “She’s a good illustrator! Get her to do stuff for the website.” As though it was a given that I would provide artistic solutions Truth be told, I would’ve loved to have provided a comic strip for the website, in fact it would have been an honour but as it happens, Gordon didn’t want to pay any money (at all) and was expecting for me to part with my years of learning and skills for free along side the existing reality; I was already doing a radio show for free for which, Gordon was yet to say a single “Thank you” or “Great show today Tutu!” or any acknowledgement at all of any efforts I was putting in on air…” So, I politely declined on the provision of art and expressed that I couldn’t possibly do this for free.
22
On one occasion n the summer of 2013, Gordon and I were out side having a break and he disclosed to me that he never finished school, citing that he had already learned everything he needed to succeed. I asked what that was, his answer: My skills are, I'm good at getting other people to do what I want them to do, or to do the things I don't want to do, or can't do..." 1111
23
On one occasion n the summer of 2013, Gordon and I were out side having a break and he disclosed to me that he never finished school, citing that he had already learned everything he needed to succeed. I asked what that was, his answer: My skills are, I'm good at getting other people to do what I want them to do, or to do the things I don't want to do, or can't do..." 1111
24
On one occasion n the summer of 2013, Gordon and I were out side having a break and he disclosed to me that he never finished school, citing that he had already learned everything he needed to succeed. I asked what that was, his answer: My skills are, I'm good at getting other people to do what I want them to do, or to do the things I don't want to do, or can't do..." 1111
25
Regent Street Cinema, London England I brought a friend as a +1 to a private screening of the below black Panther documentary that we were invited to via Mi-Soul Radio. My friend is a beautifully refined Nigerian heritage woman, who has two degrees in Law and business. Additionally, she runs her own business. She is an intellect and enjoys meaningful discussions about black history. Whilst in the drinks reception Gordon comes over to me and my fried. As a formality, I introduce him to my friend; Gordon’s strong toned, opening words to my friend were “You look just like a black girl I used to fuck back in the day!” Leaving us completely startled with embarrassment and humiliation. Gordon Mac did not apologise or show any sense of remorse.
26
Regent Street Cinema, London England A few minutes before the documentary was about to start an announcement was made for all to make their way into the screen. At which point Gordon said good bye to all and left. He had zero interest in watching and or learning more in reference to the nuanced hardship of black people, brought on by white racist people of times gone by.
27
Regent Street Cinema, London England Sat in a row were, Dave Simpson, Ronnie Herel, my +1 and lastly, I was sat furthest into the seating row. My friend got up to get us more drinks. To bridge the seating gap I moved along one seat until she came back. I’m now sat next to Ronnie Herel who out of the blue decides to start mocking my afro hair do. He asked me to explain my hair? Then he asked if he could run his fingers through it? I asked him if he runs his fingers through his wife’s hair to which he replied well, the thing is… my wife is Caucasian so her hair is straight” He said this as if to suggest straight hair was a better. I told him that he had made his choice in women and to not make his choice my problem. My friend came back and Ronnie quickly reverted back to a regular disposition. I found it amazing that he would choose to ridicule a black woman with an afro hair do whilst we were waiting to watch a Black Panthers Movement, documentary; be it a natural afro or weaved in. Also I was now becoming aware of their obsession with my hair.
28
Mi-Soul DAB Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London, England. Dr Psycho (DJ) made me aware that since the station had gone DAB, every daytime presenter from Breakfast show presenter through to the Drive-time show presenter was being paid except for me… I asked Gordon why? and if I could be paid now? but he told me that my show was a specialist show (even though, it wasn’t specialist at all. Like all else in the day, I was now playing playlisted music, and was no longer allowed to compile my own self produced playlist) My show was just more lively than the others on account of my on-air personality which was needed due to my show being on a Friday afternoon.
29
Mi-Boat Party, Yacht along the Thames river, London England We were all having a great time on Mi-Soul’s first boat party along the Thames. Approximately one hour before the end of the event Debra Mac comes to stand next to me. I asked her if she was having a good time and she looked at me and smiled with no words. I began to dance; Debra looked at me in disgust and with a tone to match her expression, she said “Calm down! God you’re like a barbarian!”
30
Email Subject: Dave Simpson sent me a requested photo taken of D’Nyce and I from the Boat party. I noticed the email was subjected as ‘Big Perm’. Though I said nothing I was now getting tired of the ridicule of my hair. Dave made comment when I next came in about the title and I just laughed it off. Secretly, I was finding it harder and harder to cope with. My hair is my signature brand image. I took pride in it being so, and they all knew it.
31
Independent Graphic Design Work: Brian Power was relatively new to the station at this time but seemed to distinctly have a unique presence and relationship with Gordon, one that suggested early on that he might have done some sort of an independent financial deal with Gordon Mac in order to rise to the front of DJ line ups even though he had not aided in building the station thus far. Regardless, Brian said that he needed a graphics solution for his first Single track cover. I told him that I do graphics and can provide him with what he needs. We arranged a call to sort out the logistics of what he wanted and the fee. I was excited to be doing my first offering for the music industry and thought that my closure was beginning to happen, and that all the ridicule would soon subside. On the phone, Brian told me with clarity, he wanted a ‘fist with lightening’ which I found to be slightly cliché at that time but, I adhered to give him what he had asked for, with the addition of my trademark, burst of colour. Brian understandably rushed me along as he said he was in a hurry to meet release date for the track in question.
31a.
Below is the end result…
31b.
Independent Graphic Design Work: Once I sent through, I wanted to call Brian to ask him to maintain privacy on our business arrangement. The reason why was, I felt that Gordon was watching my every move, and even though this (my art) had nothing to do with him whatsoever, I was under the quiet impression that Gordon wanted to control every aspect of my creative growth whether he had legitimate rights or not. I went against my better judgement in not calling Brian in the end, due to my not wanting to undermine a grown man in a business setting.
31c.
Independent Graphic Design Work: Brian went into the office to show everyone the finished work with excitement just as soon as I had sent it over him. He showed everyone including Gordon Mac, Shereen, George Kay, Ronnie Herel and Mark Smedley. I had a meeting for a gig that morning across town and called in to say I was stuck in traffic and would be a few minutes late for the start of my show. By the time I came in to do my show Gordon was tense with me and said he wanted to have a word with me once my show had ended. The air was tense that day and people were acting strange around me. Shereen looked at me with an air of suspicion as she said” I didn’t know you could do that.” Referring to my graphics. I casually reminded her that I had told her on many occasions that I had gone to art school. Still, she replied with “yeah but I didn’t know you could do that tutu, I thought you just edited photo’s etc” I said “I do that too, I do it all”. After my show, I sat with Gordon who immediately sheepishly asked if I even care about the station or the DJ’s? I felt highly uncomfortable as though I was sat with a lover who was asking me where our relationship stood but I answered and told him that “Of course I care! I can’t believe you’re even asking me that question Gordon! I’ve been here for over 2 years without pay and I still do my shows every week!” Gordon sheepishly apologised and admitted that he had asked an unfair question. I continued to explain that “in the absence of pay I need to make my money elsewhere until further notice because like you, I too have a family”. I left feeling highly uncomfortable. Brian paid me, but even though he was ecstatic with the end result and was openly telling everyone so, including me; as I suspected from the slight tension in the office, my art work never saw the light of day after that day. A new concept was designed by someone else and Brian delayed the release date of his track. I was absolutely gutted but said nothing to Brian or anyone else.
31d.
Location: MI-Soul Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London England: The following week; after my show, Mark Smedley and I were alone in the office and the subject of my graphics work came up again. Mark explained that he felt like a fool because he cannot do what I do. Even though I was sick of them all at this point, I smiled and told him not to feel this way that I’d been drawing and painting etc for decades since a little girl and had studied more at art school. I even offered to show him some quick tips in Adobe, in the case of him wanting to learn more but he still looked and sounded upset and nothing I said had changed that for him.
31e.
Location: MI-Soul Radio Station, Stephen Lawrence Centre, London England: The Following week after my show I was sat at Gordon’s desk. At the end of our conversation Gordon randomly referenced my graphics and said that he’d tagged me into a recommendation for a producer looking for a graphic designer. He asked if I’d seen the notification and that I should look now. I thanked him and looked on Facebook whilst sat opposite from him, but there was no notification. I told him I didn’t have a notification and he replied with “look again, it’s there…” I knew there would be no notification and that this was Gordon’s subtle way of letting me know he’s micro watching me and my art. So I thanked him once more and told him I’d look on the way home, and got up to say bye and leave. There was never a notification, and I was never recommended by Gordon. I felt uneasy; this was supposed to be the place that I was hoping to soar with my art. This was everything to me.
32.
Telephone Call: I received a phone call from a Mi-Soul DJ (whose name I shan’t disclose, due to him possibly wanting to stay incognito) The DJ spoke to me with a shocked tone as he told me that he was in a meeting to discuss the creative direction of the station, just a few days earlier. He told me that the personnel of the meeting made it quite clear that they don’t want to market to black people “We don’t want black people we want to market to white people” I was even more heartbroken than before and was tempted to tell said DJ of my journey from 1992 but chose otherwise. Instead, I matched his level of shock and upset (which I truly was).
